Voldemort and Peas
by The Lovely Marauders
Summary: All Harry Potter wanted was cookies with his godfather... but Voldemort had other plans! Rated T for insanity, peas, and the Dark Lord like you've never seen him before!


**KIP:** Hello, dear readers! Remus here! I'd like to give a hearty hello to all of you out there! Today, we've got the strangest story ever told, all ready for you to read and enjoy! Basically, lazybum89 a.k.a. Sirius and I were discussing Wrock, (Wizard Rock. For those of you who don't know what it is, look up Escape from Azkaban by Ministry of Magic), and somehow that conversation turned to how much she hates peas (Sirius - Peas are gross! Don't let anyone try to tell you differently!). One thing led to another, and we came up with this crazy idea... take it away, Sirius!

**Lazy:**Hey y'all! That was Remus, this is me, Sirius, obviously, and I blame my fever. I'm actually sick right now so this story is slightly crazy! I actually don't really know how our minds actually could sink this low... *shakes head in bemusement* Anyways... I don't really have much to add so I will leave you with our standard disclaimer before you can enjoy our lovely, crazy story! Take care!

Disclaimer:

**KIP:**Warning, this story is not for the faint of heart!

**Lazy:**If you like peas, stay away!

**Kip:**You should also stay away if you don't like laughing yourself silly!

**Lazy:**It's bound to happen almost as soon as you start reading!

**Raven**: These two are crazy... I feel like I am the only sane one in the group. *grumbles*

**Kip:**Oh, don't be that way Prongsie Wongsie!

**Lazy:**Yeah, don't be a party pooper!

**Raven:***-_-...*

**KIP:***Evil Grin*

**Lazy:***Evil Grin*

**Raven:**I am the one perv in the group.

**Lazy:**Er...

**KIP:***places topless Wormtail in her bed* That'll be fun for later!

**Raven:**How many times in a day do I go on about smut and the ideas that pop in my head?

**Raven:***kills topless Womrtail*

**Lazy**: *shakes head*

**Raven:**we better be putting this conversation in the fic.

**Lazy:**Guys, we are supposed to be doing a disclaimer!

**Raven:***looks sheepish* Oh...er...right...

**Lazy:***gives pointed look to KIP*

**KIP:***pouts*

**KIP, Lazy and Raven:**We, the Lovely Marauders, in no way shape or form own the HP plot nor the characters. We just play around with them because cannon sucked.

**KIP:**Oh, and watch out for some slightly pervy humor... (wink wink)

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><p><strong><span>Voldemort and Peas:<span>**

Harry Potter was having one of the most miserable summers of his life. By day, he lived to do chores for his vile relatives, who were far too lazy and unintelligent to do anything on their own. But the worst of it was Dudley's laundry, which smelled so bad that it could have been _alive_ for all he knew! Actually, he was almost sure of it! Just yesterday Dudley's pants moved when he wasn't touching them! Cruel and unusual punishment, indeed!

By night, he dreamed of the graveyard, Voldemort's rebirth and the battle that followed afterwards. For weeks on end, his subconscious saw nothing but the bright green of a killing curse, and his scar was tingling all the time.

Basically, it sucked to be him.

Harry was currently outside, working on his Aunt's flower garden wishing he was inside and that his stupid scar would stop hurting! Damn it! It was hot outside! Did Voldemort really have to be in the middle of a mood swing? Suddenly he was pounced on by something furry. He rolled around so that he was on his back and he got licked on his face for his trouble.

"Snuffles!" said Harry, surprised.

Snuffles barked, got off him and waggled his body in a follow me motion After standing up, he did so without any hesitation. He knew it wasn't some Death Eater; as Profesor McGonagall once told him, Animagus forms simply couldn't be copied.

They walked until they reached the local park, which, due to the extreme heat, was completely vacant. Snuffles walked behind a tree, and, sure enough, Sirius came out a moment later.

"Hey there, kiddo!" he said with a sly grin. "Miss me?"

Harry smiled and gave him a hug and said, "Of course I did! But why are you here? Isn't it dangerous?"

Sirius snorted in laughter. "Pfft! Since when has that stopped me?"

Harry still smiled, but let out a strained chuckle. "True."

"So... How have you been?" asked Sirius letting his concern show slightly. "Your letters were vague."

"And yours _weren't?_" he retorted harshly.

"That's not my fault! You can blame Bumblebee for it! He monitors my letters!" Sirius growled. He wasn't exactly fond of the old coot right now.

"Bumblebee?" Harry laughed.

"I'll tell you all about it on a way for a cookie! You look like you could use one," said Sirius. His eyes narrowed as he gave his godson a closer look. "Actually it looks like you could use a couple dozen. Let's go get some."

He slung his arm around Harry's shoulder and started to walk. Harry just smiled indulgently and let his godfather lead him for a cookie.

They got to the grocery store and bought the cookies. Then, they went outside to enjoy them. How Sirius had gotten the money, he would never know.

Harry had one in his hand and it was on the way to his mouth, only to have it knocked away by a jet of light.

"Damn it! I really wanted that!" said Harry angrily, looking around as Sirius muttered something similar. He would have stomped his foot but a voice interrupted him.

"Well, who do we have here?" drawled one Lucius Malfoy, dancing around like a fairy, sparkles and all. "If it isn't Harry Potter and Sirius Black! Having a day out on the town, boys?"

Suddenly, they were surrounded by no less than six death eaters, including the dancing Lucius. Only, they had forgone the masks - most likely due to the heat. Never the less, they had their wands drawn, ready for combat.

"You're coming with us, Potter!" Crabbe Senior panted, wiping the sweat off his brow. Apparently, his royal fatness had overexerted himself.

"Really?" Harry groaned. "We're doing this _now_? It's like a hundred degrees out! And I want my cookies!"

Sirius sighed in annoyance, reaching for his own wand. "Sorry, pup, looks like we have no choice in the matter. Don't worry though. You'll get your cookies."

Harry sighed. _Was one decent day too much to ask for? _

Apparently it was! He dodged a jet of light sent by him by none other than his greasy haired Potions professor, who... Harry had to do a double take as he ducked away from another jet of light. His fearsome Potions professor had a green bogey hanging out of his nose! How gross! Hadn't the man ever heard of blowing?

Sirius, meanwhile, was a force to be reckoned with! He knocked out three Death Eaters so far; Crabbe Senior, Goyle Senior - both who were too big to get away - and Avery, who had ducked right into the light. All seemed to be going well, until the unthinkable happened:

Wormtail apparated in front of them, and flashed his naked bits for the whole world to see. The sight was so horrid that Harry and Sirius fainted on sight!

_'Damn it! I really wanted those cookies!'_ was the last of his thoughts before going limp beside Sirius.

When Harry and Sirius came to, they were both tied to chairs at a dining room table. Voldemort sat at the head of it, painting his nails a pale pink. Harry and Sirius had to do a double take at that. Maybe they had both hit their head really hard on the pavement... but no, there was Voldemort, feared Dark Lord, painting his nails.

"Ah, look, our guests are awake." said Voldemort in a silky voice, drying his nails with a spell. "How gracious of you to join us!" He gestured to the five other Death Eaters in the room. Only Snape was missing, who probably went back to report to Bumblebee.

But that wasn't where the weirdness ended. Crabbe Senior and Goyle Senior were playing gobstones, while Wormtail was in his Animagus form eating green, moldy cheese. Lucius and Avery appeared to be... dancing? Like fairies? Harry held back the mad desire to laugh like a loon. After all... they were still Death Eaters who knew painful curses.

"Gee, thanks for inviting us!" Harry said, tone dripping with venom. "No, really, we appreciate it! But next time, could you send us an owl?"

Voldemort grinned cruelly at him. "But of course. You're both such _honored _guests! And we simply _must _celebrate my rebirth! It's a shame that our party in the graveyard had to come to such an... abrupt end."

"Oh, I'm _so_ sorry about my abrupt departure then, but you know... I _like_ breathing! Love it actually." replied Harry, very sarcastically, taking a very deep breath to prove his point. Sirius snickered and let out a groan at the same time. This was after all, the ever feared Dark Lord.

Voldemort's grin became even more cruel. "Do not worry, young Harry! I will show you how much you love _not_ breathing soon. However, like all great villains, I must give my world domination speech to you, the doomed hero."

"Of course," said Sirius, rolling his eye. His stomach growled. He was hungry, damn it! A box of cookies would hit the spot right now...

Voldemort's eyes glinted evilly. "How remiss of me. I had you brought here right when you were going to indulge yourselves on some cookies, didn't I? Well, maybe since you've been wonderful guests so far, and it's quite a long speech, I will have dinner brought for all of us! But of course, as you are prisoners, you get the bare minimum while we have a more delectable meal." He almost sounded regretful.

"No problem," said Sirius, sounding almost cheerful. Harry felt like he suddenly ended up in the Muggle TV show called the Twilight Zone.

"Fudgey!" called Voldemort. "Bring seven regular dinners and two Prisoner Specials please?"

"Yes sir," said Fudgey, bowing and leaving to get the meals.

"Fudgey?" asked Harry, shocked. He didn't think a Dark Lord of all people would name a house-elf _Fudgey_.

"It's Crabbe Senior's house-elf. All of their house-elves are named after foods," explained Voldemort lazily. Harry relaxed. Now _that_ was more believable!

Fudgey was back with nine covered plates, although two were _way_ smaller than the other seven. "Seven regular dinners and two Prisoner Specials, as per your request, Master!" Like the disgusting barbarians they are, the Death Eaters dug in, after Wormtail turned back into a human, slovenly shoving the food in their faces. The only exception to the rule was Lucius, who ate each bite with a dainty, lady-like finesse.

Voldemort, being his usual, evil self, spared no thanks to the elf. Instead, he turned his attention to Harry and Sirius, who were trying to free themselves and grab at the covered plates. "Is something the matter, gentlemen? Why aren't you eating?"

Harry and Sirius gave him an identical, angry glare, but said nothing. How were they supposed to eat with their hands tied behind their backs? Their stomachs grumbled as the aroma of hot, delicious food hit their noses. Oh, they were going to make him pay!

Voldemort laughed, and made a great show of lifting the cover off of his plate. "Well, you two are really missing out! Let's see what Fudgey made for me this evening..." There was a sadistic joy in those eyes of his. "Hm... roast leg of lamb - my absolute _favorite! _Ah! With garlic mashed potatoes and..." his joy diminished as he saw the third item on his plate.

"Fudgey..."

"Yes master?" squeaked the elf.

"What the _hell _is this?"

"Peas, my lord," responded the elf, bowing.

The Death Eaters forks all dropped to the table at that pronouncement, even Lucius let his fork fall to the table while Sirius and Harry looked at them all in bemusement. What had everyone's panties in a knot? They were just peas.

"Who did this?"

"It was on the menus tonight, my lord," responded the elf, still bowing.

"And who made the menu?" asked Voldemort, looking at his Death Eaters who gulped, dangerously.

"Snape, my lord," responded the elf meekly.

"He dies!" screamed Voldemort. "The next time he comes here, he dies!"

Fudgey, being a smart elf that she is, left the room quickly after that.

"As much as I hate that greasy haired bat, why does he die? They are just _peas_," said Harry, sounding confused. Sirius, having an idea now, started to snicker at the reaction that Voldemort, big, bad, Dark Lord, was having to little, bitty green peas.

The Death Eaters gasped! Potter said a cursed word in their Master's house!

Voldemort in a rage, sent the Killing Curse straight at Avery. Sirius stopped snickering and Harry, who was about to ask another question, shut his mouth with an audible snap.

Voldemort breathed heavily for a second, and Harry whispered to Sirius, "Someone doesn't like his vegtables." Unfortunately, the room was so quiet that everyone heard.

Sirius snickers more at that.

Voldemort snarled, got up, and fired a Killing Curse at Crabbe, striking him dead instantly.

"SHUT UP YOU MONGRELS, OR YOU WILL GET NO DESSERT!" Voldemort screamed furiously, slamming his fists on the table before sitting back down.

Sirius and Harry shut up this time and stayed that way. Sirius really wanted dessert, even though chances were he wouldn't be able to eat it.

After a moment, Harry could keep quiet no longer. He simply _had_ to know! So he asked, "What's wrong with peas?"

Voldemort went several shades paler - if such a thing were possible. The Death Eaters looked horrified that Potter would say such a thing.

Sirius' lips twitch slightly at that question. His godson was so naive.

"Shut your mouth!" snarled Goyle Senior, both afraid and fearful of what his lord would do at the mention of You-Know-Whats.

Harry, confused, asked, "What? What did I say?"

"What's wrong with peas? WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEAS?" Voldemort screamed, before going in to a fit of insane, hysterical laughter.

Harry still looked confused, and Voldemort, when he finished with his insane and hysterical laughter asked, "You don't know? You honestly do not know what's _wrong_ with peas?"

Harry shook his head no, while Sirius tried to stop himself from laughing. He wanted a chance a dessert after all.

All the Death Eaters slowly back away from the table, Potter and their Lord, but Wormtail foolishly tried to run, and was promptly AK'ed by Voldemort.

"Thank Merlin I don't have to track him down any more!" mumbled Sirius to himself, making a mental note to take the body with him when they escaped. If all went well, not only would he be free, but he'd finally be able to adopt Harry!

"You foolish boy! Has Dumbledore taught you nothing?" Voldemort sneered.

Harry scoffed and dryly said, "No. He's not a professor who actually teaches. He's _headmaster_, remember? And if you're talking about other things, then no, he teaches and tells me nothing!"

Sirius looked serious and mildly annoyed at the old fart for a moment. Then it was gone, as a plan to escape formulated in is mind, while Harry distracted Voldemort about peas! Sirius was barely able to hold back another laugh. Peas! He just couldn't believe it! Wait until he told Remus!

Voldemort got up up and started to walk around, his high-healed shoes clicking on the stone floor with each step. How Harry missed it the first time he got up, no one will know, but there you are. He then began to pace agitatedly back and forth; he muttered curses under his breath, wondering where to start.

Harry was slightly annoyed and highly confused. They were just peas for crying out loud! They don't hurt anyone! He looked over at his godfather and saw that he was biting his lip, trying not to laugh, and was looking very amused. He obviously understood. Once again, Harry was in the uncomfortable position of being the only one who didn't understand what was going on.

Voldemort paused in his pacing for a moment, and looked to Harry. "Oh you poor, simple child!"

"... Huh?" Harry said, bewildered.

"To think that you don't know! It's a travesty! A sin beyond what even _I_ could commit!" said Voldemort, still looking at Harry. For a moment, he adopted a pitying expression, which creeped Harry out and Sirius too, if he was honest with himself. Who knew Voldemort's facial muscles could move that way?

Voldemort let out a heavy sigh. He couldn't have rival who didn't know about how bad peas were! It was simply unthinkable! "I suppose I have to tell you. I cannot have rival who doesn't know. No, I refuse to have a pea-eating rival."

"Know what?" Harry ground out, confusion and frustration mounting. They were just freaking peas!

Even Sirius looked a touched sympathetic that Harry didn't know what peas represented to the big, bad Dark Lord. Only for a moment, though.

Voldemort stared in to Harry's eyes for a little longer than he should, sending out a vibe that screamed "pedophile." Then he said, very seriously, "Peas are the source of all evil."

"Umm... I thought that was you," said Harry, sounding confused and looking it.

"NO YOU FOOLISH CHILD!" bellowed Voldemort.

"Stop calling me that!"

"THEN STOP ACTING LIKE ONE!"

Sirius barely contained a snort.

Harry glowered at Voldemort and said, "You're the one acting like a child! Honestly, who in their right mind is afraid of _peas_?"

The dark ones flinched, and Voldemort yelled, "Don't speak of those unmentionables under this roof again!" before scowling menacingly at the boy.

Harry, smirking, starts to sing, "Peas! Peas! Peas! Peas! I _love_ to eat peas!"

Voldemort pointed his wand at Harry's head and said, "_Avada Kedavra!"_ Goyle Senior, who was about to duct tape Harry's mouth, was hit instead.

Needless to say, Harry stopped singing, and Sirius' mirth vanished. That was almost his godson's death! Good thing he remembered about Marauder Rule Number Eight and pulled out his knife that he planned to give to Harry for Christmas.

"Now that I've got your attention," said Voldemort clearing his throat. He sauntered over to his chair and primly sat down, legs crossed. Sirius snickered, strongly reminded of his cousin Narcissa.

Voldemort glares for a moment at the wall before he turns his attention back to Harry and said, "It all started when I was a little boy..."

Harry snorted quietly to himself. "Doesn't it always?"

Voldemort ignored him and said, "Growing up in the orphanage, there was not much to look forward to except lunch time..."

"Lunch time is the best. Always," interrupted Sirius, still cautiously working on his bindings.

Voldemort nodded his head and said, "Yes, yes it is."

Harry rolled his eyes at his godfather and Voldemort. Lucius was scandalized at the gesture, but said nothing, being the last Death Eater standing.

With a fond smile on his face, Voldemort spoke reminiscently, "The lunch lady would always make the most delicious of meals... my favorite was her grilled cheese!"

Harry nodded his head slowly, not sure where all this was going.

Voldemort continued pleasantly, "Those were happy times, eating grilled cheese! It was the one time I didn't feel like killing everyone in the orphanage!" He suddenly scowled and said, "But then one day, _it_ happened."

Lucius got a sad look on his face, upset for his Lord. Harry nodded at Voldemort eating grilled cheese, but he and Sirius were both confused by what _it_ was supposed to be.

After a pregnant pause, Voldemort decided to put them out of their misery and explained, "The worst day of my life... I got accepted to Hogwarts!"

Harry and Sirius, both flabbergasted, said at the same time, "What?"

Voldemort went misty-eyed and said, "Yes, as hard as it is to believe... that was the beginning of my undoing..."

"Undoing? That's what you call it? Undoing?" Harry interrupted, voicing his disbelief.

Voldemort sniffled and said, "You wouldn't understand."

"Are you crying?" asked Sirius incredulously.

Voldemort glared at him but Harry said, impatiently, "Well hurry up and explain it faster, you crying fool!"

Voldemort snarled at them and wiped his eyes, "I'm not crying!"

Harry rolled his eyes and made an impatient noise.

Voldemort glared and said, "I was excited to go, at first... don't get me wrong! I liked the idea of being special and different!"

"Blow your nose, you sound nasally... Oh wait, you have no nose..." said Sirius. He looked and sounded sheepish and Voldemort glare intensified.

"Special and different?" asked Harry in a flat tone.

Voldemort glared and yelled, "YES!"

"At first?"

Voldemort's mood dropped again and he said, solemnly, "Yes... but then lunch time came..."

"Lunch time?" Harry inquired, as both he and Sirius looked confused.

"Your favorite time?" Sirius added.

"Yes," said Voldemort shuddering. "Although, it could no longer be..."

"Why?" asked Harry, drawing out the 'y' at the end for a second longer.

"Because the served peas for lunch. _Every day!"_ explained Voldemort. He continued, "Can you imagine eating those green little balls of smooshy grossness day in and day out?"

Lucius shuddered at that.

Harry still not understanding, said, "...so? Didn't they at the orphanage? Besides, I _like_ peas! Just as much as I do breathing!"

"No! You can't like them! You don't know what they can do!" Voldemort cried, hastily and panicky.

Harry said, annoyed, "I eat them all the time! What do they do? Make you grow hair?" Sirius snorted at that, as he freed one of his hands.

"NO! NO YOU SIMPLETON! THEY HAD THE OPPOSITE AFFECT!" Voldemort yelled. He looked around the room for another Death Eater to kill. Lucius smartly stepped out of his line of sight for the moment.

"...What?" Harry said flatly.

Sirius smirked. Marauder Rule Number Nine came into affect as he worked on freeing his next hand. It all made sense now.

Voldemort with eyes wide, explained further, "I had a full head of hair until I came to Hogwarts!"

"Ah..."

"I was the sexiest man alive before PEAS! STUPID, BLASTED, GREEN PEAS! THEY RUINED EVERYTHING! THOSE EVIL GREEN MONSTERS!".

Harry and Sirius stared at Voldemort for a moment before they both burst into hysterical laughter.

"STOP LAUGHING! IT'S TRUE I TELL YOU! THOSE STUPID, EVIL, GREEN MONSTERS RUINED ME! THEY ARE EVIL AND THEY NEED TO BE STOPPED!"

And with that, the feared Dark Lord picked up his peas from the table, threw them on the floor and started to stomp on them, grinding and pounding them onto the floor. He even jumped up and down on them a few times. This only caused Harry and Sirius to laugh even harder than before.

Lucius shuddered. He remembered the last person to laugh hysterically at his Lord and let's just say the outcome, wasn't pretty. Not at all.

"THAT'S IT!" screamed Voldemort, his eyes glowing red. "NO DESSERT!"

Sirius stopped laughing and said, "Oh shucks!" He pouted, but on the inside, he was jumping for joy! He was free!

Harry, however, was still laughing hysterically. He couldn't stop.

Voldemort, annoyed but not ready to kill Potter yet, kills Lucius who he spotted. "SILENCE!"

Sirius stayed silent and looked at his godson. He was still laughing hysterically, tears of mirth streaming down his face.

Voldemort, fed up, walked over to Harry and touched his head.

"AHHHH!" screamed Harry. "Ouch! You freaking hairless bastard!"

There was a moment silence at that before Harry started laughing hysterically again.

Growling Voldemort, leaned his face close to Harry's and stared And stared. And stared. And stared. And stared.

Harry stopped laughing and stared back before saying, " Can you say pedophile?"

Sirius snickered and cautiously flexed his hands

Voldemort didn't notice, and spat right on Harry's face.

"EW!" cried Harry. "Can you say childish? What the bloody hell! That's gross!" Voldemort smirked in satisfaction.

Sirius, went unnoticed as he wordlessly summoned his wand and his godson's wand back to him. Luckily they weren't that far from him since they were in Lucius' pocket. He silently conjured peas by the bucket load. Smirking, he flung them at Voldemort.

As soon as Voldemort realized what was hitting him, he shrieked like a little girl and tried to swat them away like flies.

While Voldemort was swatting his peas, Sirius released his godson, who wiped the spit off his face, smirked at his godfather and said, "Nice!"

"Thanks!" replied Sirius smugly, looking over at Voldemort who was still swatting the peas and shrieking, forgetting he was a wizard with a wand.

"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOT THE PEAS! PLEASE ANYTHING BUT THE PEAS! NO! NO! ANYTHING BUT THESE MONSTERS!"

Sirius pointed his wand at the peas and said, "ATTACK!"

The peas attacked and said in high-pitched voices, "Gives us your hair! Gives us your hair! Gives us your hair baldy!"

Harry started laughing again and Sirius, while chuckling, took the time to transfigure Wormtail into a stick, put him in his pocket, and transformed in to Padfoot.

Voldemort curled into a little ball on the ground and started to sob and cry out, "Noooooooooo! Where are my Death Eaters! Save me from these monsters! Please! They're killing me! These evil beasts are killing me!"

Harry calmed his laughing enough to happily inform him, "You killed them all! See ya later!" Sirius barked and Harry went over to him. "I still want my cookies Padfoot!" Harry informed him and Padfoot barked his agreement and started to run out as Voldemort whimpered as peas continued their _vicious_ onslaught.

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><p>Later that day...<p>

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><p>After all was said and done, Sirius and Harry went back to the grocery store in Surrey, and finally got a hold of their beloved cookies. Grinning like two Cheshire cats, the duo took their hard-earned prize and raced off to the park to enjoy it. By now, the sun was just beginning to set, and the temperature dropped to something a bit more bearable. The sky was alight with shades of blue, orange, gold and pink, leaving an overall lovely effect.<p>

They could have talked about many things; like the possibility of Sirius being free, and what that entailed, the strangeness of their time with Voldemort, or even how the Order would react. But instead, they watched the sunset in a quiet, companionable silence. And, as the sweet taste of chocolate danced across his tongue, Harry couldn't help but think that yes, he'd finally gotten his good day. Finally!

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><p><strong>Edited by the perfectly beautiful, charming and witty Raven Potter Weasley, (Prongs) <strong>


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